Pacifist With A Gun

i've been sick for a week with the flu and have missed 4 work shifts. yikes. that's 48 hours of work. i was ready to go back today but last night, my eyes started feeling funny and started to sprout the same nasty colored boogers that had been coming from my nose. went to the clinic and started some antibiotic eye drops. the doctor said that i would be ok to go to work today but when i woke up, my eyes were sealed shut with goo and looked like they had tried to make high rises out of boogers. i called in sick. and good thing too. i washed my eyes out every hour out of necessity and applied eye drops every two hours. they look a lot less scary now. i'm sure if i'd gone to work i would have been sent home. i couldn't have functioned in an icu like that. back to the flu, i'm still coughing like a banshee but i will go to work tomorrow anyways. sadly, due to my eye infection, i cannot wear contacts or eye makeup until the infection clears. i have to take the drops for a week so i will sadly be pale-no-eyelash-girl until next tuesday. oh no! now all my coworkers will realize i don't have naturally volumpious curly dark eyelashes! i actually am self conscious about this. i'll get over it. i don't want nasty eye crusties ever again!

i'd best be going to bed. it's the 3rd of my last sleeps in this house. i'm sad and excited to be moving on friday!

Saturday night: best night ever! Dinner here, yummy burgers stuffed with mushrooms, pickles, tomatoes, cheese with Caesar salad shared by 2 of my most favorite people ever; Nina and Alex. Then we got ready and went out to Hudson's on Whyte for my birthday. Every year I invite loads of people, boatloads really, and a handful turn up. This year, I only invited people who I actually cared if they were there or not, people who count and have been there for me and are important in my life. And all of them came or attempted to. It was so sweet! Sean and Cristal, thanks, I love you two and you're just so damn cute together! Nina, I'm glad you bailed on snowboarding, it meant so much to me to have you there. I don't think I can ever have a birthday party without you... it wouldn't feel right! Alex, I LOVE LOVE LOVE you! You're fabulous and my friends adore you. Coworkers galore: Troy, Robyn (so cute!), Donna (hilarious, beautiful!), Nadia (also a true friend) and all of Nina's friends who came along for the ride... sweet! Brian, Monique, Cathaleen, Christine; I'm sorry you couldn't get in but thanks for trying. God, this feels like and acceptance speech or something. Oh well. I was talking to Sean during the night about how you keep the friends you are meant to have in your life. And I full heartedly agree. Who knew that my relationship with him would last and flourish 4 years after mine expired with Timo? I'm so glad it did. It's the people you love that remain, and it's the people who love you back that you don't worry about when you'll see them next, you just know that you will.

I feel good about 25. At first, not so much. Now, I realize that I have everything and there's no reason for me to stress over what I have not accomplished yet. I have the rest of my life to travel and I'm starting that traveling thing this year. Come Fall, I'm gone. Mark my words! I'm lucky, truly fulfilled in so many other ways! I have an amazing family that supports my every whim; I love you Mom and Dad and even though I feel moving out has been a long time coming for me, I will miss you a whole lot. Don't worry Dad, I'm "still little" in lots of ways. Matt, you will always be my superhero. Amy, Matt's so lucky to have found you and I'm so lucky to have you in my life by association! Nina, you know that you are my best friend. Thanks for teaching me to be fierce and know that I am fully prepared to use that ferocity to defend you in every way no matter the circumstances. Gramma, you are the sweetest. I have a career, not just a job, a career that will take me places and so long as I'm willing to continue to grow, it will allow me to do just that. I have a house! Well, not yet, but as of April 6th, I have a house! Well, not a house a townhouse, but I have a townhouse on April 6th! Yippee! Last and most important, I'm in love. I'm loved back. And he's not going anywhere. Alex. I heart you most of all! Thank you for everything. Four glorious years of laughter, tears, comfort and support. God, you're amazing!

Well, that's enough cheesy. I'm still hung-over. Time for sleep.

Everybody, thanks.

i stayed over at alex's all weekend. this is the trend as of late, if i have the weekend off, and i love it. to live with him would be divine; the waking up next to him part of it and the excellently cooked eggs every morning! on saturday night, as i slept next to him, he had a bad dream about me that he could not remember or else would not say. last night, sunday night, sleeping alone at home, i had a bad dream about him. i dreamt that we went on vacation together and he broke up with me. immediately he took off to hang out with his guy friends and hit on hoochie girls. i knew no one so i started to tag along with some girls at the campground. we went out and found alex and his friends oogling and making-out with random chicks in public. i went back to our trailer, threw out his sleeping bag and pillow and began to drive home with out him. as i drove, i threw his clothes and cds out the window. violent. sad. i woke up crying. if we were to break up would it really end so hatefully? i hope not. i never want to break up. i want him to be my forever man. for this reason, i refuse to analyze either of our dreams to any great detail. strange things tend to churn in my head come spring.

summer nears! i can feel it in my toes! i even wore sandals out this weekend. that's right, my hot wedge heel sandals! with my parka. such an edmonton look. i long for the kisses of sun on my skin, the barely there tank tops, cat calls, easy hair, minimal makeup, barefeet! soon. i keep telling myself this. so so soon. kiss off winter!

Send me a lucid dream.
Make it involve nudity.
Lips to hold me,
Eyes to watch me,
Gaze to capture me tenderly.
Grab me with ferocity
and take it all out on me.

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

Monday - thought 'i'd better get on this buying a place to live bandwagon damn quick or soon i will be 40 and still in my parents basement.' sick with a cold. miss work.

Tuesday - preapproved and have a realtor. am sick with a cold. miss work.

Wednesday - excited! looking at places with a realor. come to realize that most of what i can afford are giant crapholes.

Thursday - find a place and fall in love. go to make an offer and find out it actually sold the night before and the paper work hadn't gone through.

Friday - sherwood park place! nina and i both love it! bid, loose. work night shift. stress out.

Saturday - reopens, raise bid, loose but it's all very shady. don mckay is a shady ass asshole of a realtor and i will vandalize every park bench with his name on it. work night shift. stress out.

Sunday - nina loves a place. i go see it. i has but 1 bathroom otherwise it's damn fine! good hood. good fees... questionable whether a 2nd energized car park is available, big problem with AB winters. don't want to bid. nina is pissed. tells me she doesn't know "what the fuck i want. it's a good investment! you're making a mistake!" i want 2 bedrooms, at least 1.5 baths. i need my own throne. i don't want to have to knock down a neighbours door someday when we both have the flu. she hates me. i worry she now wants to bail. if i'm going to invest 50% of $280, 000 i had better love it or at least be able to like it and have it have the features i need. work night shift. stress out. worry about the wrath of nina. question if i will be able to live with her if she can't even be patient enough to deal with the shittiest, most stressful process of our lives without loosing her mind on me.

Monday - i am sick of looking. i wish i had never started. i am stressed. my eyes are bloodshot. my skin whiter then my usual Casper self. eating badly and loosing weight, not working out, obsessing over MLS, dreaming of my Sex in The City apartment that does not exist, dreaming of my townhouse that does not exist, dreaming on my quaint little fixer upper in a decent neighbourhood that DOES exist but i will inevitably loose the deal due to someone else having better financing. in what screwed up city can 2 healthcare workers not be approved for a big enough mortgage to be able to buy a decent home? m&a got there place for $210,000! alot of money! alot at the time! i lot for them! i remember thinking, 'i will make more than m (which i don't know if that's actually true) so nina and i will be living the high life in nottingham!' um... no. i'm really depressed. i'm really stressed out. i'm surprised my hair isn't falling out. i'm afraid to brush it to find out. *sigh*

the background to all this? carol is still dying. we had a phone conversation with serious finality which entailed her telling me we will not see each other again in this life. i accepted it long ago but it kills me still to know she's in pain and just waiting. deep down, under all the other stress is an overwhelming guilt that i'm so stressed about something material when someone i love is about to die.

plans for this week? sleep.
position? fetal.
soundtrack? my own sorrowful whimpers.

P.S. - Edmonton sucks!

it's crazy to watch someone die. someone who contemplated suicide and maybe never even tried, to lie on the floor with a team of people, one shouting out orders, the others doing, not questioning, doing and working, and sweating and pumping to make the blood flow from the heart, through a body, pumping and squeezing breath into lungs that are dead, heart and lungs, a body, that maybe never did want to go on. to try, pump drugs, not all that different from the drugs he pumped himself, to try and make the heart go. it's crazy to watch someone die and not feel attached, or sad, or anything, to just feel acceptance and indifference as to how it will end up. and none of it is crazy while you watch it. no, it's only crazy now, when you have some time to think you have put it all together. not a person, just a body on the floor, that will not live anymore.