i've had such a hard time writing as of late. if only i could write as easily as i speak or rant or maybe i should walk around with a tape recorder all day and record certain conversations full of wit and value. thing is, i don't usually know until the end of the day which conversation as ones worthy (maybe not even worthy, just the ones that i end up) reflecting on.

i will say this, i have been so tired lately. and i'm utterly disgusted with the shape my body is in. fat people will tell me, "oh you're so skinny though!" and alex will tell me, "you're beautiful baby. no, you're perfect." but i'm not. not to me. maybe it's because i'm sick that i feel this way but i'm beginning to realize that i've never had a great body image. i'm one confident, alright, cocky, ok ok conceited son of bitch but it's not real. i say things to compensate for what i'm actually feeling. i do get out of the shower and go, "damn, i'm hot!" but then if i actually STAY in front of that mirror, look a little harder, a little longer... turn sideways... it's not so good. i am impressed with my chest. i have great boobs (and that's the truth) but i'm noticing how my stomach is sticking out more and more and how my ass is a little flabby. the worst part is, i want to do something about it but can't. i've had this conversation so many times with rob where i'll be like, "i'm going to go for a run when i get home." and then, i get home... and i find myself on the computer. today i was so hungry when i got home so i had lunch and then said, "i'm too full to excercise now" though i hadn't over eaten. and i tell myself i'll go later but it sure is windy outside. damn. and i'm so tired!

all week it seems like all i do is school work or worry about school work. i'm ashamed to say that i find it difficult to put stuff out of my mind even when i'm with the one i love. i feel almost guilty for the limited time i devote to him because there are so many other things that i could/should be doing. i deserve time to myself but i don't really and truly have that time. i'm doing well in school... i think, but at the same time, i know i could be doing better. i've been sick nonstop too. cold, allergies, all of the above. i unexplainably threw up last saturday night. too sick. so tired.

where am i going with this? i'm so random. i don't even have the mental capacity right now to complete a coherent thought. i can't remember the last time i had a coherent thought.

i had a really weird dream last night about my cheeseburger being cold and then put together all wrong at some fast food place. i can't entirely remember it though.

i'm going out tonight with the RT2s to get drunk. that's something i haven't done, well, in forever. i never drink. and i think it'll be a really good way to just let loose for a moment. alex might come but he's feeling really sick. i hope he will at least come towards the end or if he can't do that, maybe he'll come pick me up. otherwise, nina can. i don't have that many girlfriends and i think this is a really good chance to become reaquainted with members of the same sex. i seem to get along better with guys. since cathaleen and i stopped hanging out, it was mainly guys in my life. at that time, timo, sean and nigel and all their friends. and of course the near and dear matty matterton. and now, it's alex, matterton, sean. and of all the friends i've made at school so far, i'd have to say rob is my favorite. he's damn funny and just easy to get along with. i wonder what that's all about or if it's even about anything. i just don't know how to relate to girls anymore? not so, cause i do. i think guys are less judgemental. i mean, you can be best friends with a girl and still have them stab you in the back and be all jealous of you. delle's done it. i've never had a guy stab me in the back or overheard one cattily say, "what is she wearing??" how can i be better friends with guys, seem to get them, and yet be such a sensitive girly girl? make's no sense. point is, i miss cathaleen. i miss that best friend, you rock, i love you man (girl i guess), i'm always here, call me at 2 in the morning for anything, of course you can sleep in my bed, in the morning i'll do your hair, you're cute but i won't ever make a move on you kind of commoderie. there's always the risk that a guy will make a move. there's always that tension/possibility. so in some ways, girls are more accepting. none of that made sense but i know what i mean.

i need a bath and a nap.

next best thing to a sex and a nap.

then out to have fun, put it all aside and get back into the groove of homework tomorrow. i'll stuff myself full of turkey and think how fat it's making me. i'm not healthy.