i do not know where lost emails go. i've done that a few times myself. it's some shortcut to delete things that gets accidently hit all the time.

speaking of accidental hits: i was rear-ended while driving to school on friday morning. it's scary when i think about it now. i see it slow motion. the light turned yellow and i thought i could make it, then i realized i should not go as it was by now a stale yellow and about to go red. i had tons of time to stop so i eased onto the brakes and reached a nice slow controlled stop right at the stop line only to look into my rearview and see that buddy behind me is going faster than he probably wants to be if he wants to stop and oh shit goddammit aren't you going to stop???!!! might have taken my foot off the break to attempt to move forward into the foot of space i left in front of me in hopes that it would be enough. he braked hard, i heard the skid, the screech, the movement of gravel under wheel and then felt the impact. this all happened so fast that the light had just gone red. was pushed some into the intersection, not sure how much as i can't remember if my foot was on or off the break at this point. the intersection is still clear as everyone has seen what has happened so i go through the red and pull over. remember where my hazards are and throw them on. i don't even know what i'm thinking. but i know i'm not angry. shock? ya, i'm not really thinking at all. white truck drives pasts me and i take note of the license plate becuase i think this is who hit me. hit and run? you bastard. tap tap tap on my window. guy looking freaked out. i open my door. he's who hit me. mr. white dodge 2000. he asks if i'm ok. i say, "uh, i don't know." he looks very concerned. i suddenly have a headache. i check out my car. it's fine. i smile and say, "car LOOKs ok." he says, "no no no, are you ok?" i say, "i feel fine so far. guess i'll know in a few hours." he says he'll give me all his info so i follow him to his truck which he pulled over around the corner. he did not pass me. different truck. he says, "you didn't think i was going to take off did you?" i say, "no, that thought never crossed my mind" without even a hint of sarcasm. i get his info as he continues to apologize. i say it's ok. he says he didn't even see the light change and that it's not ok. he's very angry. i say that i'm not. that it call could have been much worse. he's angry at himself, not me. he didn't even see it change! i don't understand this. i could see him in my rearview, he was looking ahead the whole friggin' time. there are so many times i have come to a stop and looked in the rear view and thought, 'is he gonna stop?' and he always has and i've always laughed and called myself paranoid. how can you not notice everyone around you slowing down and the break lights in front of you? the sound of something hitting you from behind is awful. just gross. this deadpan, dull thunk. no echo at all. and this feeling of 'no way did that just happen.' it's the same feeling as coming to a stop on a rollercoaster. i get his info. he takes mine. he goes to nait too. taking electrical. he's very sorry. i feel bad for him. tell him i think i'm ok and that it could have been worse. there's damage to his car and none to mine. as i pull away, i'm pretty scared. and thinking, 'what if i get rear ended again today?' how do you avoid that? i guess you don't. but shit, it was scary. get to school and park. i don't normally drive to school. normally go with steph and vickie. john, the guy who hit me, wasn't going to drive that day either. but for some reason he did. i wasn't going to take 118ave. wanted to take 112th but missed the exit. pretty weird how things end up the way they end up because of the choices you make.

i show up for class 5 minutes late and the door is locked. my asshole of a teacher locks the door the second the bell goes. i knock at the back door but no student will let me in. i go to the front and knock, trying to get george's eye. he won't even look over. now, i start to cry. not because i got hit, it's john's fault and he was very nice and considerate about the whole thing. not because my parents have left town and i'll have to deal with all this by myself, but because i've been locked out. because i left my house with the only goal being to get to school and attend the last ventilators class before the midterm and then go to the u of a library to work on research and that asshole feels he has the right to lock me out. i paid for the class! i'm paying for his time and NOT the other way around. i'm never late! i've been late ONCE before for his class because vickie slept in and then i had to drive myself at a later time than normal. he has no right! i got in an accident and he doesn't give a shit. my mother could have died and he wouldn't give a shit! i could have died that day and all he'd remember about it would be, 'ya, that was the day she was late for my class' and then he'd come to my furneral and yell at my dead corse lying in the casket and throw dirt on me before the lid was closed. so i go into the offices to talk to diane, another teacher. she's motherly and i need my mom. i'm crying and ian is there too and he asks what wrong, i tell them and they are, for the moment, a set of perfect surrogate parents. ian does a brief exam on my neck and back to make sure i'm not seriously hurt. diane tells me to go home. ian tells me to go to a doctor even though i feel alright right now, then to the mechanics and then to the police to file a report. good people those 2. they understand.

i go and sit for a bit in our lounge just to gather my senses and be less shaken about the whole thing. monique and brian show up and i tell them about it. i get more hugs, vent about george and feel a hell of a lot better. i want to yell at george, tell him he's a prick. but i can't. i decide to wait till i'm less angry. i may talk to him on monday. he needs to change his treating us like children routine.

i go to the dr. i am stiff. it's only been about an hour and a half and i hurt lots and lots. he puts me on painkillers and muscle relaxants. i go to the mechanic. he can't fit me in but i'm dropping the car off on monday. i file a report and screw up the ave's and streets. it was on 118ave and 95st. at one point in the report, i get it right. at another, i get it wrong. i even read over it! guess i was still shaken. i only think of this as i'm trying to fall asleep on friday night. i called them today and i have to go and fix it at my "earliest possible convenience."

i hope the car is ok. i don't want to sue anybody. insurance would pay for it but i just hope it's ok anyhow. i hope i'm ok! more than anything i hope that. i woke up even stiffer today in the neck and shoulders. headache is gone though. i'm documenting everything just in case i worsen and require compensation. i hope i don't. i'm not mad at john at all. he wasn't following me too closely, as he was behind me on that whole strip. the only moment he followed too close was the moment before he hit me. i'm annoyed. worried. a little scared to drive. i drove today and i do worry about getting hit from behind. i find myself thinking, "please don't hit me, see me? i'm slowing down! please don't hit me!" silent little prayers to only god knows who.

i'm tired though. need to study and need to sleep.

hope i feel better and not worse tomorrow.