TOD 1520


Ring of blue around the black
I want, I want you back

Pushing and pulling
And pressing
And poking

Calm, so calm
Everyone moves and dances around you
Center of attention
Focus of all energies
We move to the rhythm
But you miss the beat
We are dancing
Yet stepping on your feet

Ring of blue around the black
We want, we want you back

Focus
Focus
Focus on us
You are no where we can see

Look into your eyes
Feel you can’t see me
Brave face on
I don’t feel afraid

Calm
Cool
Ready
In control

You fade

Ring of green around the black
Blue ring
Come, come back

Push
Chest fills
Heart fills

Release
Chest falls
Heart drains

Pushing and filling
We’re feeling
You’re nothing

Green ring begins to fade
Stay with us please-
Don’t go away

Stop

Wait

Feelandlistenbutthere'snothing

Nothing

Brown ring around the black
Blue eyes
You won’t, you won’t be coming back


this is about the first man i ever performed CPR on. this happened on Wednesday at my rotation at the hospital. in the ER. with Paul, my preceptor. i bagged, while Paul compressed. i compressed while Paul bagged. i took blood from the femoral artery line Paul put in, i placed a OG tube. i taped the ETT. so much effort. it's nothing like ER. it's far more controlled. much more calm. the resident running was very calm so i think this is why everything went so well. unfortunately, the patient died. i was ok with that. seeing the effort it took, it just made sense to let him go and it was ok. The resident called it. Time of death: 15:20.

it wasn’t until things began to slow down that i realized i had just witnessed someone’s transition. my preceptor said, “This was your first code. And this is your first death. You did a really good job.” the resident said, “This is my first death too.” i tingled over knowing i had someone to share it with. Paul and i went and sat down and when he asked me if i was ok, i said yes and then cried a bit. i did not sob or weep. i shed a few tears but there weren’t truly in sorrow. there was some sort of understanding to them; more of an acceptance and appreciation for what I’d been a part of. we talked about what went on during some of that hour and he explained further some of the procedures and aspects of the team. i'm proud of myself. i never knew how or if i'd be able to handle that situation. but i did. i was very calm. i remembered what i had to do and i just did it. yup, i'll be a good RT. i may even work in the ER for awhile just cause it's so fast paced. i'll see though. 3 years to decide.

life it precious. but it ends and that makes sense.

Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don'-go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

-The Flaming Lips