having a meh kind of day. one of those days when i have creative energy that can't be put to use because there are other suffocating responsibilities surrounding my spirit. i don't want to study. i never have. i've never been good at the whole stupid book thing. my notes are great, my brain is not. i want to paint and take pictures and decorate. i want to hang up some framed stuff but i want them to be spaced equally and i can't even begin to think of what kind of math i need to do to figure that out. whenever i know an equation is involved, the solution that comes to mind is, "Dad!"
i curled my hair. wasted hairspray, wasted heat, to have it go limp with humidity and disappointment. disappointment that the boy would rather hang with his boys and watch other men tear eachother apart. i knew he wanted to go, but i really just wanted him to stay and couldn't say so because i knew he wanted to go. love is sacrifice. sigh. it's my last saturday. i'm moody. mopey. sad. lethargic. screw duty. now i have time and i still don't want to study. perhaps i should clean? cleanliness is next to godliness. perhaps i should entertain? call some girlfriend? but who? really, who is there that would pick up the phone and not have something to do already?
well, it is amy's stagette party tonight. but i did a good job of guarenteeing myself to not be invited. she did not invite me to her wedding and told me i could come to the staggette and bridal shower. i said, "you mean the things that involve giving you gifts?" i offended her. well amy you offended me. who was your only friend when you and callum broke up just so you could have the chance to shag someone else under the pretense that you needed to "figure things out"? and who kept that secret that you did alot more physical figuring out then you did mental? well, i did. i didn't want to come to your wedding and eat all the food and drink all your booze. fuck. i didn't even want to go to the reception! i just wanted to see you get married. i get that marriage on a budget is hard, but i also get what love is and that getting married is something most people want to rejoice in and share with their friends. you invited nadia because she's making your cake. if you knew i did wedding videography all summer for my living, would i have been invited too? ya, screw you. i'm pissed. i'm bitter. i know it's not flattering or ladylike but fuck the world for telling me what being female should mean.
school begins on monday. why am i so not excited? have i lost my steam for this program? what does it mean to be a respiratory therapist anyways? did i really think this through? who am i?
how about i join the circus? i'm not freak enough.
model? not hot enough.
amnesty international and save rwandan orphans? not gutsy enough.
... where did the last 23 years go?
1 comment:
This is depressing. In reading this, you've reminded me that my summer too is coming to a close. Granted, it's still several weeks distant from expiration, but nonetheless, September's soon upon me and so too is the smothering embrace of everything else.
In other news, if you're looking to procrastinate at all, I'm looking to hit the gym this afternoon... provided you're willing to supply the transportation, as me lovely wife has the car. I'm in a social-slash-get off my ass and sweat mood.
We could even have coffee at the pad after, and you could bear witness to the work that A and I have done in preparing for the move. It's somewhat startling to see cardboard every which way you turn, at least from my point of view. There's something tragic about this sort of transitory period, seeing the bulk of your familiar surroundings boxed and compartmentalized.
Thinking he should proof read, but thinking too that life's too short, BB.
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