Journal Entries starting May 10 2012
Aubrey
Dear Diary
Beautiful Day as you were born
Three Little Birds in my head to get me thru it. Nina was awesome and so supportive. Alex was awesome! Had to leave a couple times. It was hard to watch me struggle. He did so good! Rubbed my back, held my hand, cheered me on and cut the cord! When they placed you on me I just cried, told you how beautiful you are and how much I love you. I promised you you are safe and that I will always keep you that way. Alex said you looked like a squid! The cord was wrapped around your neck and under your arm... explains why your heart rate was decelerating with my last several pushes and you had to be vacuumed out. I tore. 3 spots all 1st degree. Dr. Went to stitch me and I screamed. More proof the epidural failed.
May 10 admitted NICU FMC because you are under 36 weeks GA. Nina drifes home. She never got to even hold baby! We officially decide to drop Taylor and just name her Aubrey Nina MacLeod. Mom and Dad drive down just to see Aubrey and then drive home. Alex needs some alone time to digest.
May 11 I finally get discharged at ten pm. Need to be home and feel somewhat normal. Miss my dog. Brenda comes out.
MAY 12 brad with apnea requiring stimulus. Now will have to wait 5 days. Brenda goes home.
May 14 have my follow up blood work. Never hear anything back. Assume it's ok. I have not take my BP. I don't really want to know.
MAY 15 half loading dose caffeine, told it would get us home sooner, sent to RGH caffeine stopped because dr. there not convinced of apneas. Very confusing. No straight answers.
May 16 wanted to do full swabs oral, anal and vaginal for herpes. We refused. Mom and Dad come out. House is a mess despite Matt and Cyd, Lexi and Pat taking Rubee, we need to have support at home.
May 17 you are 1 week old and we are desperate to get you home.
May 18 all good! Had car seat test and passed. Should go home Saturday.
May 19 at 0700 had desat to 61% and turned blue for 1 min. Took 30 s to spontaneously recover. Not going home. Maybe Monday? Aubrey's belly button stump fell off. Very bad day. Discouraged. Helpless. Doubting if I ever should have been induced.
May 21 despite no further issue not going home. New doctor on. Wants to keep her until Thursday. Fuck. Sad hard day. Not much success with breast feeding. Both Alex and I feel depressed, led on and let down. Hard to know what the right thing is. Every time I leave I leave a piece of me behind. I miss Aubrey every single moment I'm not with her. Mom and Dad are going home tomorrow. Not much point keeping them when Aubrey isn't even here. They have been here since Wed. last week. And have cleaned every surface of the house and cooked every meal and taken care of Rubee. They have been a Godsend. When Rubee came in tonight she was limping. Back right leg. No idea what happened! Was fine after her afternoon walk. I want her to be better. I don't think I can deal with one more thing. Alex is going to work tomorrow. So far he's used a lot of vacation to be with us at the hospital as much as possible. He finds it hard because there's really not a lot for him to do there to help. He says he feels like he's abandoning us. I don't feel that way. I can tell he needs something to keep his mind busy. It's been hard for him. Especially at first with his Dad being so selfish and unavailable. I'll go to the hospital alone tomorrow. Stay all day. Today Aubrey weighs 2645g. Up 20g from yesterday! She's so cute. She frinkles up her forehead and looks so serious when she's hungry, tired or mad. I call her Angry Aubrey when she does it... I really shouldn't but I just love it! I have a test to see if she's still hungry too. I put my thumb by her mouth and when she's still hungry she takes it and sucks on it hard. To breast feed we use a nipple shield. She latches better. She fed funny today. I'm going to see a lactation consultant again tomorrow.
May 22 Aubrey is 12 days old. It's hard to believe. Time has flown by but also crawled agonizingly slowly. So far it's a good day. I walked Rubee on leash with Mom. She's still limping but I think after a week of rest she will be ok. Mom and Dad went home and are going to come back once Aubrey is home. I told Alex maybe we'd have his Mom out again. I also told him I wasn't sure I wanted his Dad to come. Alex looked hurt at that. But come on, at this point I think it would be so awkward and uncomfortable. And what would Bruce do to even help out at all? It would be more work to have him here. I came to The Rock for 11 and Aubrey was ready to eat. I breastfed 10 min. per side and she fell asleep. Then gave her 5mL from a bottle. She's been asleep on my chest since noon but is stirring now. I hope she's not hungry. Yesterday she fed, took a little nap and then wanted to eat again. It will be great to have her home. Then I'll work on getting her mainly on the boob and off the bottle. Even if that means breastfeeding every hour until she's better at it. She's beautiful. I feel so at peace with her in my arms.
Got home at 7pm. Nurse Michele called shortly after that. Aubrey had periodic breathing and desated to 69%. 3 min. So Michele rubbed her back and then gave her flow by O2 to get her to recover. Devastated. I don't know when Aubrey will ever be ready to come home. We should have left her on the caffeine. I never should have been induced. I don't know what to do anymore.
Questions:
What is causing this? Is it just prematurity? Just prematurity.
Are the apneas obstructive or central? Does that effect treatment? Central.
Do we start caffeine? How much? How long? What are the risks? Will she still sleep? Will she loose weight?
How do we make her better? We wait.
May 23 Hurry Up and Wait
Aubrey had another desat last night at shift change. Bought herself another 5 days. Dr. Young does not think we should start caffeine as she is not doing this frequently enough to warrant it. But says if we want to start it, then it can be done. She'd then go home in 5 days on caffeine and be on it until she was 44 weeks. She is 37 weeks and 4 days today. We don't know what to do.
On a happy note Aubrey weighs 2730g. That's exactly 6lb. today!
2 large clots passed today. About the size of a quarter. One at 7am and one at 4pm. Will phone Sunnyside tomorrow. Their office is closed now.
I left Aubrey around 1pm today. I was just so upset and couldn't stop crying. Alex and I are going in this evening. I think I needed an afternoon to just feel sorry for myself. All the crap Bruce had said about bonding is really wearing on me. I don't even want to know what he'd say about this. I likely won't have to as he has not called at all.
May 26
After I left that day, Michele called around 7pm to tell us Aubrey had another desat. Dr. Yung witnessed it as well and wanted to give her one more try. We said no more tries! Start the caffeine! So they did. It's 3 days later and no more episodes! There is no change on her behaviors. She is eating lots and growing fast! Today she weighs 2830g! I think that's 6lb 4oz. Last night they repeated her carseat test and she passed with flying colors! The countdown is on for Monday to go home. I'm trying desperately to not get my hopes up... But they are up. I cannot wait! I'm going to burst!!
May 28
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. It's always kind of annoyed me when people say that... but it's literally true. I'm sort of afraid to call NICU and make sure she's still coming home. I slept pretty good overnight, besides getting up to pump. Alex is taking today off but will just be answering his phone. Aubrey's outfit is still in the back of the car. I feel too much nervous excitement I think to even eat today. I won't believe it until I see it. Aubrey's coming home!
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