i picked up "amnesia" again by douglas cooper. i pick it up every summer and sometimes read it through completely and sometimes just parts. appropriately, i always forget how it turns out every read in between. i think i pick it up because i still don't get it. i don't know who the librarian is, though i have my theories. but if i think them through further, they don't make sense. i don't understand why he never married. and i don't understand... well lots. and most of it i don't remember.

alex was going to come over yesterday but then had too much to do. then he was going to come over today and the same thing happened. i miss him. and am irritable because of this. i hope to see him tomorrow but who knows. i've been so tired all week and could definately use a hug.

as of late, i am unhappy with my body. i feel that if i could only lose 10 lbs i would be perfect, in my eyes. i know i am perfect to some, but not to me. i have some flabby areas under my bum. my thighs: i don't like how wide they are when i'm sitting down in shorts or how much they move when i run. around my lower back, there is a region that blobs out over the top of my pants on both sides. i don't like blobbiness. seems that now that school is out i have more time to be hard on myself. i ran for 17 minutues solid on monday and walked for 15. i'm proud of that. then i did crunches and exercised my arms. i feel good on the days i exercise but then on the days i don't, i feel damn guilty. i feel i don't do enough. but at the same time, i just can't care. excercise is boring. even after i ran 17 minutes and was so pumped this voice in the back of my head piped up to say, 'you're not so out of shape. you've proved yourself and now we never have to do that again!' i was working out with krystal for awhile and that went well but now we finish work at different times of the day and she doesn't want to wait or drive me home afterwards and dad doesn't really want to pick me up from millenium. all excuses i know. so i'm left to my own devices at home. and often the bad voice wins and i let myself think i'm too tired and veg out with oprah before dinner. nike says the cure for this is "just do it!" dr. phil tells me to "get real!" i say, "fuck off and just let me whine about it. i'll get there on my own time." i mean, doesn't slow and steady win the race? it's so discouraging to only run 17 minutes. i can't help but make comparisons. why didn't i form a healthy lifestyle a long time ago? i eat far too much. i keep eating even after i'm full. i'll finish whatever veggies cause mom doesn't want to keep them. i'll eat the candy if it's in the house. i'll eat the chips because i think that if i don't, they won't be there when i actually want them. weekends are the worse! there is always something good to eat and something sociable to do that involves food. why can't i be like nina and be good at everything? and if i'm not good at it, at least keep at it and get the benefit of the workout. i dunno. i just don't know.

i'm also pms-ing sadly and stressing over having to work 4 weeks of nightshifts later on this summer. 4 weeks messes up 3 weekends and all social events. i'm not taking a holiday this summer because i can't afford to. this summer is the one summer i think i need it the most. can't really get very far without a car though.

i'm going to bed. this whole entry is far too negative. maybe i just need a little sleep.