How Am I?

i studied so hard and long for my cardiovascular midterm. i had notes and neat self questions and did group study with aaron. when she asked me questions, i had answers. when she did not understand, i had explanations. is that overstudy bullshit ever true? i don't think that was the case. there were about 20 cardiovascular disease pathologies we had to know for this test and i knew the basics of everything plus lots of little knickpicking, sneaky questions type of details. aaron and i knew the same stuff, i swear to god. then when i got in there this morning and wrote the test it was the hardest fucking thing i've ever written. i was so unsure and so confused and mixed up and second guessing and just plain old guessing and when i finished, i had no time to check it over and make sure it added up and i screwed up all the k-type questions so after i wrote it, i handed it in and my prof looked at me like, "well?" and i just shook my head because i *knew* i had done very very poorly. and i often feel that way but it's never actually true. so i left and went to the bathroom and cried a little over a stupid test that shows i actually know NOTHING! and then i came back and acted like nothing was wrong and no one saw so i figured it was all ok. we had our next class and then my cv teacher came in with our marks, just to show us because we all looked so worried. he told us the average was 67% and i said, "phew! i'm ALWAYS above or very near the average!" i said, "you feel bad, ya, but i bet you didn't actually get below 70%, i mean you definately passed!" but before i got called up my heart was beating so fast and i was so afraid. i went up, and 57%. it was no mistake. i actually failed! so i sat back down and pretended like no big deal, i'm ok, i'm ok. i was ok until rob said, "62%. that fucking blows. how did you do?" and i told him and i started to cry right in class! not, like bawl, but tears welling up so i got up and left. then michelle h. came into the bathroom to talk to me and told me it's not a big deal. if i hadn't studied, i would agree. but this isn't one that i did to myself. i really really know this shit! and normally if i'm really worried about a test, i don't sleep the night before. i felt good, i went to bed, i slept so well! so i stayed there a bit more and then nicole (who i hate!) came in and was trying to be nice but i just felt like she was being so insincere and was trying to get my mark out of me to make herself feel better or spread it around. i went to go back to the class and at the door my other teacher gave me the, "you ok?" look and i had to leave again! fuck! i'm so angry. and i don't know at what. i don't know how to study this stuff. i used a method that works for all my other courses, why won't it work for this one? when i came back to the class, everyone was turned to the back because the teacher was showing them something and i had to return to my seat so everyone knew i was crying. i was so embarrassed. crying over a test! and I feel so stupid and like there’s no way i’m ever going to get through this program and i’ll just keep failing and they’re going to have to kick me out screaming. 34/60. That’s retarded. how can you have a test on 20 diseases and yet only have 60 questions? how could aaron have got 78%? that should have been my mark too. what did i do? aaah!

…that’s how I am.