rewind. stop. fast forward.

i'm staying up late when i have no reason to be. i start my ER rotation tomorrow and i'm pretty worried about it. i feel like i only know about 1/8 of all the things i've "learned" in the past 2 years and that in a moment of stress i will forget it all and lose my head and then the whole trauma team will have another patient to add to triage. i'm worried i will humilate myself by being asked a question by some doctor and stare at him/her blankly while stammering, "uh.... i dunno..."and because i'm worried about all that i'm starting to be upset about other little things such as the ER shifts being 12 hour shifts even though there will be plently of those when i graduate and i'd better get used to it. i only work tuesday, wednesday, saturday, sunday, and then thursday, friday of the following week and yet i feel ripped off that i won't be able to spend the weekend with my sweetie. maybe i'll meet up with him for lunch of some of my days off. i guess all those days off give me ample time to do my assignment and to work out and rearrange my room. whatever. i'm pissed because delle is moving to victoria and i am not and i've been bitten badly by the jealousy bug in my big fat behind. i don't want her to leave. i'm sad that i'm in financial despair and won't have the opportunity to make money until may 18th. i have a credit card bill and a daddy to pay! i'm sad because i don't think i'll make enough money this summer to pay for school, save $1000 to write the registry, go on a winter vacation with alex, have laser eye surgery or go to the island for a week to see delle this summer and i don't know which of any of those i want more at this moment! i want to be finished. i want to be good at working the ER. i want to do blood gases and be good at those. i don't want to be afraid. i want to move out, get a car, start my REAL life. i want to be a part of that REAL world that appears so glossy and new from where i stand now and at the very same time, i wish i was still riding my tricycle around the front walkway in circles while matt is at school, mom is inside, nina is a napping baby and dad is at work.

rewind. stop. fast forward.