it's shitty and sad and scary to see how sick people can quickly become. or to see how sick they become quickly after years and years of slowly doing it to themselves. you cannot smoke. you cannot consume shit, piling on the pounds while remaining quiet, sad, lonely, sedate, isolated, sedatary on your couch. you cannot look at me and say, "i don't know how this happened to me, why god, why?" and you don't expect anyone to and i don't judge anyone for it yet it makes me think, about everything, life, the universe, why we're here, why i choose this, why i love this... and then there are those who it really does just happen to and i want to cry. i want to cry for the ones who do it themselves, and cry for the ones who it happens to. but who am i kidding? i don't think anyone is truly ever an innocent victim and yet neither do i believe that anyone is being punished. what i do believe is that everything happens for a reason. everything happens for a reason, how many more times can i possibly say this? this is the phrase i say to bring myself peace, to keep myself calm to say, "self, you just have to accept this. ya, i know it sucks, i know it doesn't make any sense but, c'mon, everything happens for a reason." still though, still i struggle to find the reason why a 22 year old, after years of drug and alchohol abuse, has her second fatherless child by c-section, and once the baby is out of her, she falls very very ill and we are resusciating her, intubate and ventilate, doing our best to oxygenate... she has a baby. someone fathered it. she has 2 babies. she IS a baby. yet, it takes 6 hours before anyone can figure out who to notify about her condition. how can someone have nothing and no one? aren't we all here for a reason? uh, i'm frustrated to no end. and being compassionate, being consumed by the fact that she is a living breathing, loving girl with a story, a history, a life just as complex if not more so than mine. uh, all these things sometimes keep me up at night. i don't want to become the kind of therapist who says, "oh well." and yet, i don't want everyone else's life to eat up my own. balance. balance. i need balance. i will find that.