stayed home tonight. quite frankly i'm too tired and marginally angry to go out and do anything. i don't even think i would have enjoyed a movie. now that i've had time to catch my breath and my parents came home, the whole week poured out and i cried to my mommy. her arms are so warm! all the rear ending stuff and being locked out of class; the stress of 3 exams in a row, 2 that i did great on and one that in my terms, i bombed; my sore back, a certain friend who got drunk and didn't study and aced the same test i did poorly on; the burning desire to achieve an 80% average to get a $1000 scholarship and the stress of not knowing if i can pull it off all just came out.

and now, i'm pooped. i studied some when i got home, wrote a few pages of notes, went to a job interview for turf maintenance that i think went very well. i was quite comfortable there and that part where they ask, "so you know yourself best of all, tell me why we should hire you" i believe that if i didn't have them before then, i had them after that. i sell myself so well! and everything i said was honest and true. 'i am smart! i am good looking! and galldarnit people like me!' and all that jazz. if only it were true all of time. i am my own worst enemy. i talk myself up before a stress, but boy, do i come down hard when i don't do well. the whole, "shrug it off, shrug it off" thing has never worked for me. maybe i didn't play enough sports or do enough extracurricular activities in my youth to ever believe in that motto.

the boy wanted to see my tonight but i really wanted to study after that mark. i really wanted to just hang out with my parents and take 'er easy. they didn't get home till 7:45 pm. we ate dinner, we kabitzed, i didn't study any more, i showered, i want to make a cd and now here i am nearly ready to just go to bed. it's nice to have the occasional friday just to yourself. maybe it's selfish but i need it.

what really bothers me about that test is that i knew my stuff! still do. if i could right it over with 15 more minutes, i would be fine. i should have had at 75-80% upon looking it over. it was 63 questions in 60 minutes, alot of k-type, and many calculations. i did not have enough time. i caved under the pressure and that just kills me. it's knowing what i *should* have achieved, am capable of achieving and didn't that burns. that, and the classmate next to me who i believe must have a photographic memory. it would not bother me if she didn't rub it in. i don't think people should share their marks. i don't feel people should gloat. it's one thing to tell a parent so they'll be proud and you'll be proud that they are proud but to get your test, and look at the mark on they way back to your chair and go "YES! ALLLL RIIIGHT!" just rubs it in. and then to sit there beside me, while it takes me a half hour to go through my mistakes and find what i did wrong, and complain about how stupid you are over the 10 questions you got wrong while i can obviously hear you and you fail to recognize how close i am to tears is mean. especially when i'm your friend. and think that you are mine. i could be happy for you if you didn't make it such a show. if you didn't walk out of the test and say, "oh man i failed that for sure! should have studied!" when you give me the impression you didn't study when surely, you must have. to knock yourself down over 10 lost questions when i lost 27!!! if you're stupid then i'm braindead and thanks alot.

now the pressure is definately on. and granted, i'm the only one putting it there but i want this money. this money means that i can put money towards saving for a car and still pay for school and books. this money means freedom. and future. and achievement!

i was an honour student in highschool and secretly proud of that and i want that back. i loved it. i love to be questioned and know the answer. i love to have knowledge to share in a conversation or a friendly banter of differing opinions. i love to see my hard work pay off. so really, i should be studying now. but, i'm exhausted. and i need this time for me. the rest of the weekend will be hard core - tomorrow night when boy takes me for dinner and a movie. i don't study well at night anyhow. well, i do on weekdays. but on weekends, it's all about 1-5ish.

a cup of tea awaits me upstairs. i'll go slip into that. i wonder if it would feel good to bathe in tea?