when somebody tells you to take time and figure stuff out you think "i must have screwed something up big here" and you start to examine all of your actions, all of your words, thoughts, feelings, emotions. the things that excite you, that things that scare you, the things that you want to turn out and never really have any control over. you start to pay attention to detail and for everything you haven't really liked you can find a billion moments of stuff that is just so endearing and sweet it makes you cry. and then you cry all night because when you thought you were sure before you have now been told to look harder and you start to piece it together and think maybe this could go either way. and you know the way you want it to go and you think maybe it's impossible for it to go that way ever again. maybe i can never fix whatever it is i broke? maybe maybe maybe is a train running through your head all night, loud and filled with bad thoughts. you don't sleep. you wake up looking and feeling like shit. you want to stay in bed. but you can't because you have a test and "i was confused" isn't going to be a valid reason to miss that test. you wonder, "did he sleep last night? why is this all up to me? what did i do/not do?" and then you remember how when you went to call at 1 in the morning, just to hear his voice, just to get a little bit of clarity, perspective, find out what he was thinking, he didn't answer his phone. and you're left alone to think about it again, all day. and at the end of the day, you still know nothing. you're still confused about what exactly you are trying to figure out and you think you'd better do it soon because it's killing you. but you don't know anything. all you can do is guess and try to wrap your head around if it has gone away, when did it go away? why? can i get it back? do i want it back? maybe it was never there at all. and you start to see it as a mind game, a ploy to hurt you. does he want it to end and he's doing this to mess with you, make you feel you did something so you'll get mad and by ending it, do what he can't do himself? and you hurt and you don't know if there's someone to blame or if he'll come around or why he feels you need to come around. maybe he sees something you yourself haven't allowed yourself to see? so you keep digging and burning, and hurting and crying.