Once, I was an Orangutan

Last night I dreamt I was an Orangutan and I was playing with all my little orange Orangutan buddies when this evil guy came and captured us. He took us to the Artic to capture the great white Rhino. We were swimming in the icy waters, looking for the Rhino and we couldn’t find him when my friend saw him lazing beneath an iceburg. He went to capture the Rhino by grabbing his horn. I told him to wait for backup, but he would not listen. He grabbed the Rhino’s horn and was immediately speared by it. It was all I could do to rescue my buddy’s body.

Then, I was in Oprah Winfrey’s house, a girl again. I had finished having tea with Oprah and met her dreamy landscaper when I decided to go for a nap. My friend Steph was in the other room playing the piano with Oprah. The pedals weren’t working quite right so it sounded sort of odd. To get to this other room, you had to come through the tearoom, through the room I was napping in, and then enter the piano room. There was a knock on my door and Oprah’s landscaper entered. He said he just needed to ask Oprah something. He’s very hot. He gave me a hug and I had a sudden flashback to being an Orangutan, and remembering the face of my capture, and it was the same as Oprah’s landscaper! I thought, I can’t be attracted to you! You kill Orangutans and Rhinos! Weird. He never did go see Oprah so really, he just needed an excuse to come see me. He left and text-messaged me something along the lines of being confused yet wanting to hold me more. He probably remembered me as being an Orangutan and wanted to kill me. Then I met another guy, a black guy, who was kind of slow, but sweet. For some reason, I knew that he killed whales in a past life.

Then, I was riding my bike with Matt, my brother, and this black guy was following us around until eventually he was just riding with us. He came from Chicago to visit me without even asking to come visit me. I was creeped out. We were on Lark Street and this teenage girl went to back out of her driveway and almost hit us, I yelled at her. She said, “I have the right of way!” I yelled, “Get your bubble head back to driver’s training, Fucker!” Creative. We went to 7-11 where the lady made Nina count out her 5-cent candies. She was pissed at seeing Nina had $1.00 worth when she’d said she had 75 cents. Stupid.

Then I was walking with this guy, Rob, who is an RN at the Good Sam’s. He’s a HUGE guy and he was asking me all these questions like, “How could you fall for a Rhino killer? How could you fall for a whale killer? Could you ever love a fat man?” All these guys wanted a piece and I hadn’t told any of them I have a boyfriend and didn’t want a thing from them! It was so strange.

Then the Rhino killer showed up on my doorstep apologizing for the things he’d done in his past life and that the was very sorry about my Orangutan buddy, but that was a different time and he was a different person and very confused. I said, “I forgive you.”

And my dream ended.