A Letter to a Friend

stressed. burning out. no desire to study anymore. i have only about 5 hours tonight and i think to myself, 'why bother?' and 'what's the point?' and 'why am i even doing this?' it's so stupid. i can't function anymore like this and i have to for 3 more weeks! 3 tests this week. 3 more next week. then 6 the next week (my finals). i'm so stressy and bitchy and i can't take it anymore! i'm sure everyone else is pretty fucking sick of it too. it's horrid when i think, "i can't shower! i have to study!" if only there were a way to study in the shower.... maybe i'll invent that. i'm not sleeping well either. i go to bed and i think about school. i go over the stuff i've studied, i worry about the exam, i worry about killing people in my practicum. i worry about why i don't get to do blood gases this semester because of where i'm placed and i wonder, 'did they do that on purpose? is this something personal or is this just the shittiest luck of the draw in the history of all humankind?'

i didn't stay for extra lab today because i'm exhausted. yet other people did. how come other people seem to have so much more in them than i do? am i really good enough?

ecstasy is no good friend. why is fake happiness better than real happiness? if you can't have real happiness, then what good is pretend? i'm not judging you. but there's no way you can have me believing that ecstasy leads to personal growth and betterment. it's not a "chemical that interacts with your happiness" it's a chemical that fucks with your brain and does permanent damage. it's a chemical that rave kids get hooked on and end up in the ER severely dehydrated and on death's door. it's a chemical everyday people use thinking "i'll just try it" and they then see life if so much "closer to perfect" as you said that there's no point doing anything without it. it's a shitty thing. the only way to develop your personality and goodness is to surround yourself by goodness. and how is fake good? drugs give fake feelings. false sense of love, safety and perfection - things you wouldn't want in a friend so why in a pill for a brief moment of falseness? why would you ever settle for fake happiness?

i totally missed the moon's eclipse! i was studying and forgot all about it! shitty. bah! i can't wait until my last final. i'm going to take a sleeping bag and just lie in it outside and stare at the stars.

i can't wait to see you and be forever creative too! are you coming here for christmas? i'm back in classes january 3rd or something like that. i will come see you though. it's just a matter of when. could the boy come too?

i won't forget about you. impossible. i'm just so stressed right now i don't have a lot of time for anything else.

love michelle