this christmas i am perplexed and confused. everything came as a surprise but it was all very familiar. i kept thinking, 'i've been here. why am i doing it again?' and being a little bit spinny and forgetting what i was doing and stopping what i was saying to listen to myself saying it because i had said it before. it's making me dizzy because i'm thinking about it too much. i went to get out of bed and felt the sensation of sitting up but then i was still lying down. hopefully tomorrow i will be in the present. i also feel sad and overwhelmed. i cried once everyone had left the house and it just sprang up from everywhere inside of me. it was happy and sad and tired and missing grandpa. i have to say, it was the strangest feeling ever to talk to just carol today without hearing from him too. it was even stranger that i convinced myself not to cry and just let it be, because from now on, this is the new normal. i don't feel normal at all!
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